walk with you

So, last week I started working my ass off saving money to go down to PA and then to NC with Jay (guy in the picture) and his family. I knew that it was a big step for him to invite me along on a family trip. I've come to realize that his family life and my family life are a lot different. I come from a very vocal family, and his is just the opposite...haha kinda makes things difficult with him and I, being that I want to talk about everything that it seems he is not saying to me. Probably just freaking out or whatever...but I've known him long enough to know that he doesn't like to show his emotions well and that is one of my peeves about people in general, but c'est la vie. I worked 4 doubles in a row (sun-wed). Thurs was going to be my only day off (had to get brakes fixed and car inspected). It was done (so I thought) early and I picked up thurs night anyways. Drama there because I told one person that I would work for her and ended up working for someone else...so she's kinda pissed at me...story of my life. Right after I picked up the shift...dad calls from the store to tell me that they couldn't fix my brakes because they don't do rotors...and that my CV joint is so far gone that I can't drive it to PA....way to go dad for getting me all stressed out right before I leave for work. He got all pissed at me because I was so determined to come down here (anyone would be esp after you just worked 45 hours in 4.5 days) that it seemed I was going to ignore the advice and take the caer anyways. I just didnt have time then to look for my other options...keep in mind, I was planning on leaving saturday morning...So I worked, came home...got up the next morning to an earful from mom...went over to the store, found a plane ticket for $160 (not bad for less than 24 in advance). Couldnt even take the car to the airport, so I had to take a bus from bangor to MHT. Arrived in PA, Jay picked me up and from then I could tell that this trip was not going to be quite as I expected....I came down here under the impression that things were moving forward and am leaving tomorrow with a stalemate. Everything was going cool at the beach house. It was sunny and 100+ degrees all week. Day 3 however, jay gets a text message from sarah, and then asks me if I would be mad if they hooked up....holy stab in the gut jay...(sarah is jays ex who is my friend from high school....) From then on, I can feel myself withdrawing from him, and feeling like he was doing the same. I wouldn't necessarily be "mad" at him if he hooked up with her... he says its just sex...but there is no such thing as "just sex" with an ex....thats how I ended back up with shawn for that little stint of time...I told him I would be more bothered by the fact that I know she still has some sort of feelings for him and that it wouldnt be cool to fuck with that...not that its cool that shes my friend and I'm fucking her ex....*sigh* all the more reason why I can't seem to talk to her lately...It would hurt me a lot if he did do that...I'll admit it...there's a large part of my heart that belongs to him...that I havent let belong to anyone in a very long time....most of you reading this know my long trail of relationships where the guy is always more in love with me than I am with him. I date the ones that I know will not be able to hurt me....drop my standards a little bit....I dont know what I will do if jay is the one who hurts me...getting hurt now is going to be more life-changing than being hurt when i was 15. that is what really scares me...b cuz i have already fallen for him....have been falling for the past 3 years....finally seem to be almost with him, and the beach just confused the hell out of me on that whole situation... i dont know if he wants me to be his old lady and do all the things we've talked about for months like move to VT...or if its just easy to say those things when you're 350 miles away....When we talk on the phone or the times hes come to see me, its so much better than this one time I came to see him... I can almost believe that he could love me too....and now i just don't know. i dont want to jump right into a relationship with him, but I also dont want to be pinning for something that isnt really going to happen...when i try to talk to him about it, nothing gets solved and i end up more confused than i was from the beginning of the conversation. i try not to talk about it too much b cuz i dont want him to think that i am pressuring him...i just feel like i have a right to know where this is heading....i do not want to have a "just sex" relationship with him...hes the one for me...i just hope im the one for him.....i dont know what im gonna do....

"

and I will walk with you
using the stars as guides
on a homeward path we go
knowing our time is nigh
I, I will walk... to be with you
so put your hand in mine
and lay your head to rest
we'll light the candles now
they won't be lit for long
we'll know our day was blessed

(CHORUS)

and I will walk with you
using the stars as guides
on a homeward path we go
knowing our time is nigh
I, I will walk to be with you
all that I've done, and all I say
to be with you...

Walk With You ~Dispatch

Currently Watching A Cinderella Story (Full Screen Edition) By Hilary Duff, Jennifer Coolidge, Chad Michael Murray see related

wow, it has really been a long time since i put anything in here....i suppose it is time for some updates. i am no longer homeless. jay and i got this beautiful apartment in providence in an old victorian house. im loving it...problem is, we went to maine last week and he now wants to invest in buying a house up there...to be around my parents...its cool b cuz in his mind he realizes that i would like to be around them, but he isnt seeing how big of an investment money wise, and relationship wise it is to buy a house....in the middle of bumblefuck maine...i was looking on line, and in reality, it will be cheaper for a mortgage up there than rent here....so who knows?  i love the boy, even tho he drives me insane...we got a kitty, i am going to get some pictures of her on jays digital...i just dont know how it works with this computer....i will have him figure it out for me when i get home...

talk to you all later........o! i have a cell phone now!! yay!

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